Conflict

Just like everyone else, conflicting emotions lie within me. Unlike the other people, I am in control of my emotions, rather than the other way around. This dons me with the responsibility of satisfying every aspect of me. If my emotions dictated my actions, I would not have much control over my actions and I could forgive myself for any mistakes I make. Controlling my emotions gives me a power that I do not want because I cannot actively satisfy every urge I have without having to deal with the repercussions of that action.

I want to seem cool all the time; but that is not possible if I feel things. Fear, disgust, love, vulnerability and hatred can make you lose your cool. On the other hand, I want to feel loved and at the same time love someone to feel vulnerable. It is quite difficult to manage what to do when you see someone you want to love. I also want to feel mysterious and full of intrigue, but it is way out of my league. I usually pour my heart out in front of anyone who will listen to me. I want to be rich; not because I want to buy things that are very expensive, but to never face the challenge of not having money when I need it. You could say I could continuously work for money for my entire life; but a part of me doesn’t want to work at all and the rest of me wants to do everything there is to do. I hope you can find a reflection of yourself in me and what I have said until now. I am not sure if you can relate to the next part.

I want to fight someone; beat him/her up; no reason. I know that is not right and I will have to deal with the damages later. So I am not fighting anyone. But this part of me would not be satisfied if I don’t fight. A part of me wants to take whatever it wants; by force. This part doesn’t care how it will affect others. The rest of me, however, does and as a responsible person, I do not fight anyone or take anything I want. This keeps me usually dissatisfied with my decisions. The whole of me understands and believes that I am here solely by chance and it does not matter whether I exist or not. A part of me, therefore, believes that there is no reason for my existence and I should not exist. The other part of me fails to come up with a reason for my existence. Cheers.

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